EXCLUSIVE: World Peace Declared

The world continues to be a terrifying and violent place. The latest round of Middle East “peace” talks look to be, to no-one's surprise, collapsing before they even begin; such talks may very well be hopeless anyway. The increasingly militant and influential Jewish settlers on the West Bank, never knowingly pleasant, seem determined to throw a menorah in the works. Hamas, meanwhile, are the same gang of theo-fascist murderers they've always been.

Closer to home, the fragile peace in the Six Counties seems to be fraying at the edges. First Minister Peter Robinson, a man who knows a thing or two about troubled unions, recently described the increased threat from dissident* Republicans as ”worrying”. “Worrying”, while admirably understated, isn't quite the word I'd go for. “Heartbreaking” is more like it. For those of us who grew up with the conflict as a fact of life, only to witness the ecstatically surreal sight of Gerry Adams and Ian Paisley sitting together as partners in government, the very idea of a return to the Troubles is monumentally crushing. It's yet to come to that, but you'd be a fool to think it impossible.

Pakistan, China, Iran... Humanity's long spiral into entropy seems only to accelerate. BUT FEAR NOT. Our salvation is at hand, for the bringer of world peace is here to grant the wishes of beauty queens everywhere. I give you...

...THE SMOOTHIE OF PEACE!!! Can't you just feel all the hatred inside you melting away? Sense the calcified chains of grievance loosening, freeing the human race to frolic together in the golden meadow of tranquillity with the sheep of fraternity? You can't? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? Perhaps this stirring message from the godlike fruit-collaters themselves will defibrillate your cold, dead heart:

”We had no idea that 21st September was an international day of global ceasefire and non-violence but after learning more about it and the inspirational story of its founder, Jeremy Gilley, we decided we wanted to do what we could to help. That's why we're helping spread the word of Peace One Day on our limited edition peaches and raspberries recipe and via the innocent Wall of Peace.”

YOU SEE? They didn't even know the day was coming up, but they still heeded the call and came through for all of us, dammit!

Regrettably, I have been unable to add my contribution to the Wall of Peace as my tears of pure, utopian joy have drained my body of all fluids, reducing me to a small pile of cured meat.

*I'm with Hitch on this one: “dissident” is altogether too noble a word for these knuckledraggers. I use it here only because the world (read: the media) seems to have decided that's what they're called, and I don't want to cause confusion.